Part 3~Anilbaran Roy’s Diary Notes & Conversations with Mother

Mother: Every part of the being may not know or understand the Divine or feel its touch, nevertheless, it must obey the highest part—that is the essence of sincerity. People have a false idea of sincerity, that of bringing the higher to the lower level. Thus if you feel that you hate a person, you should express it in word and deed. To feel hatred and show yourself otherwise—that may be insincerity, but true sincerity consists in getting rid of the hatred and thus harmonizing your feeling and action. 

5 March 1930 

Mother explained the significance of “Rebirth”: 

You completely leave your past behind, the old habits and ways of living; you enter into a new consciousness. 

Your past is a burden, it drags you down. Why do children feel so light? They have no past. 

Do not look behind, but always look towards the front. 

I: Does this new birth occur abruptly or does it occur gradually? 

Mother: It occurs abruptly—there is a sharp break from the past. But the new consciousness settles down gradually. 

26 March 1930 

Mother blessed me with “Detachment” (thorough) and “Faithfulness” and remarked: Something will be made clear to you today. 

In the evening Mother said: Why are you still attached to your family? It is so ingrained in you that you do not even know it; it is clouding your consciousness and you are deceiving the Divine; in this manner, the sense of responsibility towards the family, you are no better than others. 

It is this attachment to the family which is causing the mischief to your [sadhana] and the family. Have done with it. Henceforth everything you earn shall come here. 

I said: I am sincerely trying to give up this attachment, but I do not succeed. Help me. With your help I shall do it. 

Mother: Do not say that. I am helping you all along every hour, every minute, every moment. 

5 April 1930 

I asked the significance of a flower. 

Mother said: You don’t remember? Your education was very bad. It is “Vital plenitude”. Do you know what it means? 

I: Yes, fullness. 

Mother: Yes, it is that; it is fullness; also fulfilment. 

6 April 1930 

Mother: This flower signifies “The play of Sri Krishna’s light in the overmind.” 

12 April 1930 

Mother: Whenever any person conceals anything from the Divine he goes a step downwards into unconsciousness, he dies to that extent. Your life should be like an open book before the Divine, always ready for integral inspection. Nothing that feels uneasy before the light of consciousness and wants to conceal itself should be allowed to do so. Only in this way will consciousness be awakened everywhere. 

* 

The force behind desire and the force behind realization is the same thing. In case of desire it is distorted by selfishness. On account of this force behind, desires have such power of realizing themselves. If you go on knocking at a thing with desire, it is bound to be realized. But people have a confusion of desires contradicting each other; hence they are not fulfilled. 

16 April 1930 

I: I find now that the inner contact is much more intense than the outer physical contact. 

Mother: Yes, the physical is closed, poor; it is dull and irresponsive, so requires movement. The psychic contact is wonderful. 

23 April 1930 

Mother: This is “Detachment” from everything that is not Krishna’s light in the material. Do you understand? Krishna’s light, that is the light of the Truth. To be more clear, be detached from everything else except Sri Aurobindo’s creation. 

12 May 1930 

Mother: What does your vital being pray for? 

I: For the Divine. 

Mother: You have put it very nicely. I like it. 

* 

Eight is the number of the best protection. 

20 May 1930 

I: Your protection is always with us. When we realize this, we have not the least fear of hostile forces and adverse circumstances. We have only to trust in you, and go on merrily. 

Mother: Yes. People do not do that, they depend upon their own power. 

I: In order to have complete trust in the Divine, one has first to feel and realize the grace and the protection of the Divine. 

Mother: No. It is not so. Your trust and faith in the Divine must be unconditional. If you make it depend on what you see and understand of the ways of the Divine, if you begin to argue and understand by the mind, then you are finished. The faith must be in your nature. If I go back to my experience in respect of Sri Aurobindo, I find this. All the circumstances were against my putting trust in him; he even appeared to wish that I should go away, though that was only an appearance. I had to go away. But I knew Sri Aurobindo was the Divine, and that was sufficient for me to put my absolute trust in him. If you begin to judge things by the mind, you are finished. 

I: This faith must be in one’s nature. 

Mother: But you must also keep it up. 

18 June 1930 

Mother: This is “Ananda in the sex-centre.” It is not yet realized. It requires a lot of preparation. 

22 June 1930 

By “Modest” “Devotion” you will “Realize” “The conquest over sex-movements”. 

2 October 1930 

Mother: So X brought you out. She has brought you out of all things, out of your detachment, concentration, aloofness. Seeing her sobbing you let yourself off. 

You were grieved to meet the death of your mother. You were not conscious of the tremendous help that was given to you. You felt proud and so you stumbled. 

I did not stop you, as it was not serious. I allowed you to go through it, to see for yourself, to realize the need of remaining always vigilant. 

21 October 1930 

From Mother’s book: 

The small detailed movements in our life are governed by the subconscient. How far they will reflect the Divine depends on the measure in which the subconscient is turned towards the Divine. 

29 October 1930 

Mother: What do you require most? 

I: I do not know. 

Mother: I think it is a quiet mind which you require most. 

6 November 1930 

I: What is pure mind? 

Mother: A mind which is moved only by the supramental influence, that is, the divine influence; a mind quiet, surrendered, receptive. 

I: How to make the mind quiet? 

Mother: By making it quiet. It looks like a joke, but it is serious. 

8 November 1930 

I: Mahakali belongs to the overmind? 

Mother: Yes, all the four Powers [2] are of the overmind, as also all the gods. 

I: Sri Krishna? 

Mother: He also is of the overmind. 

I: Who, then, are the supramental gods? 

Mother: There are no supramental gods; they have their origin in the supramental planes; their manifestations are in the overmind. 

* 

I: When the mind becomes quiet, it does not become empty. 

Mother: Oh, no. It becomes full of knowledge; it becomes like a mirror reflecting truth. A quiet mind does not move. But it must be empty of the lower things before it can truly reflect truth. People are afraid of this. 

11 November 1930 

I: I find myself surrounded by hostile forces, they are only too ready to take advantage of the least weakness or lapse in me. 

Mother: Yes, that happens in yoga. 

I: Sometimes it seems to me that these attacks come as tests from you. 

Mother: No. That, again, is a hostile suggestion. The hostile forces act in this twofold way. They launch attacks and at the same time suggest that these are coming from the Divine. 

I: Does not the Divine send tests for us? 

Mother: No. All tests come from the hostile forces. They go on trying as long as they see any chance of success. If they find no such chance, they give up. 

21 November 1930 

My brother X arrived this morning. 

Mother said: These are trials for you. Remain calm and consecrated. 

24 November 1930 (The Great Victory Day) 

Datta had declared the great victory on the 24th November 1926 thus: “He (Sri Aurobindo) has conquered life, conquered death, conquered all. Lord Krishna has come.” 

Mother explained last night: It is not that Lord Krishna was not there; on the 24th he manifested in the most material consciousness and Sri Aurobindo said that he knew that now the time had come to take up the work of the new creation. 

* 

Speaking of those days Mother said that the atmosphere was intense because it was a psychic atmosphere. The overmind, the plane of the gods, was brought in touch with the physical plane; this touch was necessary, otherwise the supramental transformation would not be possible. Now the work is going on in another field, because it is necessary. 

* 

In the evening Mother said: Sri Aurobindo was pleased with you and said, “He is always progressing.” 

17 December 1930 

Mother: The Infinite manifests itself in and through finite forms. As long as we limit ourselves to the transient forms we live in Ignorance. When we have conscious communion with the Infinite beyond and behind the names and forms, these appear to us in their real truth, as the occasions, channels, instruments of our communion with the Infinite Light and Power and Bliss. 

* 

We are at least a contributory cause of all difficulties and disturbances that come upon us and upon others connected with us. The atmosphere we create around us by our nature is responsible for most of the things that happen to us. Everything will be all right in our atmosphere of calm, peace, faith, true aspiration, love, devotion. 

* 

Never depend upon any knowledge brought by the mind; it is always imperfect, incomplete, partial, mixed, if not altogether false. For true knowledge, make the mind silent and receptive, opening itself to the light that comes from above. 

20 January 1931 

Mother said in the evening: I was talking with Sri Aurobindo about the sadhaks. Sri Aurobindo said: “For those who are still in the human consciousness, the one thing needed is faith in the Divine”, and then he mentioned “like A and X. Then what is best will happen.” This is not the first time that he referred to you. He mentioned you before as one of the very few who are progressing steadily and give the minimum trouble. 

I am not praising you, I am impartially saying what Sri Aurobindo has said. 

5 April 1931 

I: You determine all my work, Mother. 

Mother: You are not yet ready for it. 

I: Try. 

Mother: I do not try. 

I: I think I am ready. 

Mother: Think it a little longer. 

I: Before I knew that I was not ready, but now I feel otherwise. 

Mother: You have progressed, no doubt. 

19 May 1931 

Mother remarked: By spirituality these people understand ethical self-discipline; they do not know the glory of union with the Divine. 

12 August 1931 

Conveying Sri Aurobindo’s remarks about my poem “The Miracle”, the Mother said: He has changed some words. Some words you have used are philosophical, not poetical, (e.g. ‘Love Divine’). Then the phrase ‘turns blue’ in English means something ridiculous. Also there is rhyme in the first verse but not in the second. The image is good. You must have rhyme in both the verses or in none. So Sri Aurobindo has made some corrections which make it a fine poem. 

The poem as corrected by Sri Aurobindo stands thus: 

                                                 The Miracle 

                     The great transcending sky leaned from above 

                     In silence kisses the aspiring earth, 

                           Its vast unbounded space 

                           Locked in the close embrace, 

                     It turns the stainless void to sapphire love! 

                     The one universal Truth to souls below 

                     In mystic union far beyond all time 

                           Bends through the world’s play-bars; 

                           Its suns and moons and stars 

                     Are pale reflections from that Love sublime. 

15 August 1931 

Mother said in the evening: He [Sri Aurobindo] gave you a big compliment. I do not remember the exact words—“the most remarkable of all”, “the most wonderful”—these are not the words, but that is the sense. He places you on the top from the yogic point of view. How he smiled! 

20 August 1931 

About my poem “The World-Shunning Saint” the Mother said in the evening: Sri Aurobindo has asked you to study rules of metres, rhymes and rhythms. The thought is good but it is not poetry. When there are rules you must follow them. Sri Aurobindo said that you write English poetry just as you write in Bengali—but the two things are different. Perhaps you have not read sufficient English poetry which would have created a subconscious ground in your mind. You know better the rules of Bengali poetry. 

I said: I do not feel inclined now to read for the sake of writing poetry; if anything comes, I shall write. 

Mother approved and said: It does not matter. Only Sri Aurobindo will say that it is not good poetry. 

26 August 1931 

Mother: Sri Aurobindo says that the turn of your mind is too philosophical for writing poetry; you explain too much, whereas poetry should be more suggestive. We shall see whether it is corrected. 

5 September 1931 

I said to the Mother that I was taking Amlaki with curd as prescribed in Ayurvedic books. Mother said to the effect that all sorts of things are written in books. Every ten years theories are changing. Before it was said that tomatoes were very harmful, now they say that tomatoes are very good. Before it was recommended that you should take as much grapes as you can, now they advise moderation. These are all mental ideas. I think Nergine with curd is very good. 

I: Shall I stop this? 

Mother: As you like it. I have no experience of this thing. 

I: Why should I follow mental ideas? 

Mother: Why should you replace one set of ideas by another? As long as you have ideas, this sort of things will go on. 

6 September 1931 

Mother read a message in the stores this evening, that in yoga a link, a connection is to be established between the outer body and the inner self. Mother said to me: “All this is old stuff for you. Something like six years old.” 

26 January 1932 

Mother said during interview: 

These nights I have been seeing you. Two days ago I saw you — it was a long affair, all symbolical. There were people living in isolated homes in the Ashram — a ship sailing — a train. You offered me an umbrella. I wanted to go to you with something to give, probably sweets. X objected, as the umbrella you offered was an ugly one. Still I went to you. I saw you completely undressed. I said “No, that won’t do.” Immediately you dressed yourself. Then you gave me your umbrella. I said “Yes, it is all right, it is exactly the thing I need.” You said “That is all I can give. But I am giving you six good chairs.” Chairs, of course, meant places for persons — and that was a substantial help. The chairs were very nice. I said I would not now give them to people. I shall give them the old ones. 

The sea was very rough — all the people on the ship were sick and complaining. But you said “Where is the storm? I do not feel anything.” I said “Come out and see.” You came out and saw but said that you did not feel anything. I said “Yes, only those who are one in Consciousness with me will not feel it.” 

People were boarding an overcrowded train. The train of course referred to our progress. I said, “I won’t go by this train, I shall choose my own time and go with my selected ones.” 

9 February 1932 

Mother said during interview: 

Have you taken… from X? You have still social feeling? Why do they not take my permission? These things have to be done in the divine way. People forget that they are here to do yoga. They want to continue old habits, old ways. 

When you hear of the illness of your child, can you take it in the same manner as if you were hearing of the illness of any other child? That is a test. You must eliminate the subconscient reactions. You may not know, but there is attachment very deep. Why do you not live always in your higher consciousness? What are those family relations, when viewed from there? It is just like regarding the earth you are treading upon as your own. 

Give up the lower consciousness for good. When you come for pranam on the 21st, throw it at the feet of Sri Aurobindo. 

The subconscient reactions have to be got rid of slowly and gradually. I do not believe in clean cuts; that only throws them back. I left my family in 1916 and I took up my work 8 years later in 1924. 

Why do you think of your physical birth? I have given you new birth positively so many times? 

We aim at curing humanity of illness and other suffering, but for that it is necessary to change the consciousness. 

20 April 1932 

During the interview Mother explained: 

No letter written in connection with the death of my nephew X. If there is any link between two persons, one surely knows about the death of the other even from a great distance, because he is in the atmosphere of him. 

I said I knew. Mother said: You had some link with him; you tried to protect him. There is no objection to it; that is the work which the Divine demands of you and you do it in the right attitude. 

The interchange was never deep and sweet but short. I said “It finishes too soon.” Mother said “It finishes never.” 

1 June 1932 

Mother said: Last night you were showing me your writings—poems, translation of my sentences, etc. I heard actually your voice. You had drawn silver lines and were showing them to me. Silver is the symbol of spirituality. You were making some sort of arrangement of the writings. Were you conscious? 

* 

Do you know what Sri Aurobindo said about you? “Be prepared to live at the height of the thing.” Several days ago, when speaking about the sadhaks, he spontaneously said, “A has the spirit of this yoga.” It is true. Did I not tell you so under the mango tree? The tree is still there. 

3 July 1932 

Mother said: Great force is put upon X so that the responsible work he has may be done. People have to keep themselves open and receptive and the work will be done through them. But in his physical nature there is not only resistance and obscurity but perversion. His pains are really due to this and not to the work. 

People wrongly interpret things. A woman had a dream. She was climbing a hill and had other experiences. Lastly there was a slide, a big stone fell upon her and she woke up with a feeling of suffocation. It was found that a bit of the ceiling had fallen upon her — a very small thing. It was explained by the psycho-analysts that this was the origin of the whole dream. It is not so. Things happen in other worlds before they happen here —sometimes they occur simultaneously; only the manifestation is a little different. The woman had gone to another world, had experiences which she interpreted as sliding of the stone. These happenings had a result in this world comparatively very small, viz. the falling of a bit of the ceiling. 

X has been under the influence of adverse forces. To you it came as a test to show up a weakness that is still in you. 

But now that is all finished. Forget all this. I give you today a new birth. Be as pure in your outer being as in the inner being — then will begin the transformation. 

24 May 1933 

Mother said: I was telling Sri Aurobindo the other day that the world was far from being ready. Sri Aurobindo replied that if the thing that was to manifest was to wait until the world was ready it would have to wait for ever. The world will continuously choose falsehood — it chooses falsehood spontaneously. We have to bring the thing down and impose it upon the world.