Part 2~Anilbaran Roy’s Diary Notes & Conversations with Mother

Anilbaran Roy’s Conversations with the Mother 

27 December 1929 

I wrote a reply to X’s attack on “The Pondicherry School.” 

Mother said: “Sri Aurobindo says it is not worth to give any reply to that man.

In the first place your reply is not in the right way. You bring yourself down to their level and apologize and explain. It is very bad to apologize. What we do, we do because it is necessary. You must not go on giving explanations. You write in a tone as if we are doing what they think we ought to do. But it is not true. There is as much untruth in what you have written as in what the man has said; only he has bad will and you have good will. We have not much clever men amongst us, our organization is very poor, there are better things elsewhere. If we were to depend on these there was no necessity of our work. What do I care whether one paints well or sings well: It is quite possible that these persons may not do well in sadhana. I do not give attention to these things, therefore they do not progress. My object is transformation, not going in the old way. 

Man cannot make any progress in the old way; it has to be transformed — that is our object, that is the right answer in two lines. That answer has been given already in the mental, it is not necessary that it should be given a material form; people also will not understand it. 

So many stupid things are said about our sadhana. Even people who have lived here for a long time, everyone speaks stupidly. But we are prepared for it. They have to be changed and transformed. 

In the second place, it is not necessary to give an answer. Such attacks do little harm. Those who have faith in us will regard these as stupid. Those who have no faith will not be convinced by what you write; they will say that these persons think themselves to be very clever. 

I: Take me out of this lower level. 

Mother: When you are in your inner consciousness you live on a high level. But when you deal with these persons you at once come down to their level. This must cease. When you deal with them you must rise up even higher than your highest. 

It is better that people do not understand us, for if they understood they might come in our way and become dangerous. 

* 

On the afternoon of 27.12.1929 Mother heard a voice: 

“There is a Power that no ruler can command; there is a Happiness that no earthly success can bring; there is a Light that no wisdom can possess; there is a Knowledge that no philosophy, no science can master; there is a Bliss of which no satisfaction of desire can give the enjoyment; there is a thirst for Love that no human relation can appease; there is a Peace that one finds nowhere here, not even in death. 

“It is the Power, the Happiness, the Light, the Knowledge, the Bliss, the Love, the Peace that flow from the Divine Grace.” 

Mother brought this typed on a slip of paper and remarked: “I have brought this for you. That must be true even in the most material consciousness.” 

5 January 1929 

I submitted an account of my earning, all of which goes to my family. 

Mother said: I am thinking that your family is lucky, they have lost nothing, you are still earning so much for them. 

I: It is a strain for me to write for money. 

Mother: Yes, that is dragging you down to the lower level. I am sorry that for this you cannot progress. Your present addresses are not on the same high level as those which you gave before. This also was the case with your answer. Sri Aurobindo remarked that you have lost your inspiration. I know the reason. 

I: You take me out of it. 

Mother: You remember you made an ugly bargain about your family. I could not possibly allow to do that, so I made the arrangement that what you earn should go to your family. Sri Aurobindo asked where was the money going? When I replied, he remarked, “He also is like the others!” 

I: I was satisfying myself that all I earn was given up to you. 

Mother: That is a deception you are practising on yourself. You did not give up your family but wanted to throw their charge on me. You still feel responsible for your family. You write for earning money for them — it is this which is standing in the way of your progress. Do not write on anything and everything that comes your way — only write when you have something to say and you can keep yourself in the consciousness of this place. 

I: When I meditate on you, I become so absorbed; I do not care for anything. 

Mother: That I know, but you must not write unless you feel in the same manner my presence by your side. 

Let whatever happen to your family — do not care for that, do not write to help them, write only when you get the true inspiration. 

1929 (Undated) 

Mother: I give a problem to you. It has been said somewhere in the Scripture to the effect: He who has, shall receive all; he who has not, whatever he has will be taken away from him. 

The Christians do not understand it. Here the reference is to the Divine Grace. 

If you wish to collaborate with the Divine you must increase beauty, light, joy, wealth, power, but not diminish ugliness, misery, ignorance, poverty and so forth. By helping the poor you certainly do them some natural good. But thereby you bring about a levelling, making the poor a little less poor. Rather make the rich more rich so that in some the Divine may manifest. That applies to everything, beauty, knowledge, etc. 

I: Nature does something of the kind: wastes millions of individuals to evolve a few highest. 

Mother: Nature’s way is very clumsy. 

I: Yes, that is bound to be, because Nature is not conscious but does things mechanically. But the tendency is there. 

Mother: There is a consciousness in Nature but not the full consciousness. But Nature does things certainly better than man. 

1929 (Undated) 

I: Make me absolutely yours. I cannot bear anything that stands between you and me. Make me conscious of any obstacle and I will throw it away with all my life. 

Mother: I like this flame. This you have got from your previous incarnation. This flame will carry you through everything. When I first met you under the mango tree, I said within myself, “This man is mine.” When I told this to Sri Aurobindo, he remarked, “That is not a small thing.” I replied, “I do not say it is a small thing.” 

I: To give myself to you without any reservation is a great joy. 

Mother: There can be no greater joy. 

17 August 1929 

I: How shall the activity of mind be in harmony with yours? 

Mother: My mind is never active, it does not work. What acts in me is the Overmind — not the Supermind. The mind is only a centre of expression, it gives the form. 

I: It is merely the channel. 

Mother: Yes, it is the channel. 

I: How is it that I get ideas and suggestions which are contrary to yours? 

Mother: The mind is like a public street; all sorts of things are coming from the outside. 

I: When I am with you alone I can establish the true relation with you. But in the presence of others, I feel disturbed. 

Mother: That shows that you are yet open to influences from the outside. That is very bad. Even in a crowd you must remain as if there are yourself and myself. When I turn to anybody I at once bring my true relation with him. You also should be able to do that. 

1929 (Undated) 

I: Why is it that your force cannot yet work effectively through me? Is there anything in me which is not given to you? 

Mother: It is the want of transparency. The whole being may be given, yet movements may continue with mix with the true inspiration. These have to be transformed and it is a long process. You must learn to distinguish between the two, and reject every movement that is not originated by the Divine. In you it is the mind which originated these mixed movements. You should be always alert. If in the midst of speaking you see that such a movement is coming, you should stop speaking. 

I: It seems to me that I am more successful in the vital than in the mental. 

1929 (Undated) 

Mother: Write to X: 

“I hear that you are still suffering from illness and not keeping in good health. You should know that the cause is the same. You are still divided, your inner being seeks the Divine but your outer being pulls the other way. You are still bargaining with the Divine. How can you expect to be all right? It is this disharmony in you which is causing all these disturbances. All your ills are bound to disappear when you consecrate yourself to the Divine without reserve in all your parts. Constantly aspire for the same and exert your will to make your being one and undivided, integrally given up to the Divine.” 

7 October 1929 

Mother: Only devotion can break the crust. Even love is not sufficient — it brings down the Divine to the same level. 

* 

From my childhood I had the Agni in me. It makes one so hopeful, luminous, master over all difficulties. Only those people feel depressed who have no Agni in them. 

13 October 1929 

Mother: Unless one has the will to change, an ardent will, he will never change. I have lived with people for twenty years who always commit the same mistakes, though every time they repent for it. If the defects are pointed out to them, they at once become depressed and discouraged. 

You have changed much, but that does not mean that you should sit satisfied. 

14 October 1929 

I interpreted a blessing of the Mother thus: “The Divine gives her love only to those who love her with sincere gratefulness.” 

Mother: You are last of the last [uncertain reading]. Shall I give you a scolding? The Divine does not wait for anything for manifesting love; it is there always, everywhere, supporting every atom. Without Divine Love nothing could exist. Those who are purified by loving gratitude become conscious of this love. 

You know this but it is your mind which has gone wrong. It is not merely a mistake of expression, but a mistake of thought which is very bad. 

It is a good training for your mind. 

October 1929 (No date) 

Again I committed a similar mistake. I wrote: “Give yourself generously to the Divine and the Divine’s Love is sure to respond with generosity.” 

Mother: It is not at all inspired. It is very flat. There is the spirit of bargain. The generosity of the Divine’s Love is always there, that is revealed to you when there is generosity in you. What will be revealed to you of the Divine depends on your own experience and realization. 

23 October 1929 

“Surrender to the Divine and the integral transformation are the two great steps leading to the new perfect creation.” 

This sentence contains in itself the whole of Sri Aurobindo’s Yoga. It has the force of a mantra. It came to the Mother during soup last night and the whole time (one hour) it was with her as a vast experience. She saw the surrender as a square (while showing this Mother drew the square with hand on her chest) consisting of millions and millions of small offerings, full of light and from the “needle heads” of light there was rising the transformation. 

27 October 1929 

“With simple sincerity, faithfulness and purity open your vital being to the Divine’s Love.” 

Here sincerity implies that the opening is whole, not partial, there being no reservation; faithfulness implies that there is not temporary opening and then closing up — the opening must be permanent, constant; purity implies that it is not mixed up with desire. 

5 November 1929 

Mother: Whenever there is a reference to your sister, I see a great danger for you. She may exert a subtle influence on you and your progress will be stopped. It has happened to other people. They were going on well, but after their wives or sisters arrived their progress was arrested. So you must be very careful. You must not try to help her in any way, that will affect your sadhana. It is a great test for you. It is for this reason that I have been again and again postponing her coming. I did not want to put you to that test. I am now bringing her not for your sake, but for her sake. There are many sides. 

7 November 1929 

I asked: Is it at all necessary to stock dry fish for cats? 

Mother said: It was I who made that arrangement. You see how you receive things. The physical inconvenience to which you are put—the bad smell—blinded your consciousness. 

You will see a message today intended for another person. The subject is the same, though in his case it is a conscious revolt, whereas yours is unconscious. 

* 

X wants to know what is meant by bargaining with the Divine. You can write to him that Mother has given the following answer: 

Bargaining means to try to buy things as cheap as can be. 

To bargain with the Divine is an attempt to get the Divine Grace and help, yourself giving as little as possible. 

* 

November 1929 (No date) 

Mother: When I saw Sri Aurobindo for the first time, at once I knew that here was he, the Divine. It was a revelation. And once you know that here is the Divine, how can there be any more doubt, any questioning? I unburdened myself before him and became so happy, joyful, free! Whatever he said I at once accepted it as the truth, there was absolutely no room for doubts. When he said that my mental constructions were illusions, they at once broke down, though I had lived on them for 14 years! 

In 1914 I had to go away. He did not keep me, what could I do? I had to go. But I left my psychic being with him and in France I was once on the point of death; the doctors had given me up. 

* 

People must have faith, surrender and absolute vital confidence in the Divine. 

* 

For complete mastery over sex these are the requirements—pure mind, a mind completely free from all sexual thought; integral opening with sincerity; vital peace; patience in transformation. 

* 

19 November 1929 (Evening) 

Mother: Long before I met Sri Aurobindo, 10 or 12 years before I was doing conscious yoga, I was aware of two dangers: one was the danger of accepting as the Divine one of the Asuras who masquerade as so and the other was mistaking movements of the lower nature as inspirations coming from above. But I surrendered to nobody. I felt the presence of the Divine in my inner being and my exterior life was faithful to it. I was never divided. Then when I saw Sri Aurobindo, I at once knew that it was he, the Divine, and I wholly surrendered myself to him; my whole being gave the consent; if it was a mistake it was a mistake of the whole being and I could not do anything else. Thereafter whatever Sri Aurobindo said, I accepted without the least doubt, questioning or hesitation. 

It was very easy to ask him what was to be done and guide oneself accordingly. Now my relation with him is such that I can know directly what he would require me to do. When anybody asks me any question of some importance, I concentrate and receive the answer from Sri Aurobindo, I come into touch with his centre of expression. Afterwards when I meet him, he gives the answer almost in the same words. This happens in most cases. 

It has taken a long time to accomplish this. It requires great wakefulness, observation, discrimination—a long, patient labour like that of a scientist in his laboratory. Always to remain wakeful and unite the will with the Divine Will—that is true surrender. 

* 

Tamas is a great obstacle. It stops all progress. I have become so conscious, even in my most material being, yet sometimes there comes the tendency to avoid effort, to withdraw into Sri Aurobindo—as I so often do—and leave him to do the work. During soup time, the dull, heavy, dark, tamasic atmosphere created by the people puts a great strain on me. 

* 

In your case, I approve of the work you are doing. 

* 

21 November 1929 (Evening) 

Is this not true? Sincerity, sincerity, sincerity—that is the great lever of uplifting. 

I told Mother about a dream. She was telling people that they wanted the Divine not for the sake of the Divine but for the satisfaction of their own egoistic claims. Mother said: “That is quite true.” 

2 December 1929 

I asked Mother: May I ask X to copy my articles? 

Mother frowned and said: He has already sufficient work. Then I do not like it on principle that people should be asked to work in this manner. It does not help them. On the other hand, it disturbs them and creates false relations. Why can’t you do it yourself? It will be a little later, but it is not something of tremendous importance. It is the old habit of seeking to be surrounded by people. 

* 

10 December 1929 

Mother: I am as much against journalistic writing as against politics. You have to interest the people, otherwise your writing will not be published; and by trying to be interesting you bring yourself down to their level. And what is the use? The world will not suffer, on the other hand gain much, if most of the journalism was not there. I have seen it work and know what it means. 

It is better to write impersonally on a subject without reference to personalities and personal opinions. 

I do not ask you to stop writing articles but that is my way of looking at it. 

* 

What is worship? Offering? No, that is your mistake. Worship has many forms besides offering. Thus singing, dancing, burning incense, all these are forms of worship. True worship is the true outward form given to the inner movement of devotion. And what is it that best expresses devotion? It is the integral offering of our whole being. 

When the placing of flowers at the feet of the Divine, or some such movement done in the right way, is the symbolic expression of the inner movement of devotion, then it becomes true worship. 

19 December 1929 

Mother: Do you know what this flower means? It is “Thoroughness in work” [1] ; it is the true movement of Mahasaraswati—opposite to à peu près which means a work half-done, a work which seems to be finished but is not really so. 

22 December 1929 

Mother: This is “Organization” external and internal. You must have it now. 

* 

This is “Intuitive light in the material”. You do not know what it means? You are becoming silly. It is the light of the intuitive mind in the material consciousness; it is very useful and necessary. 

* 

I: I sometimes utter words, even obscene words, without knowing why I do so—they seem to be something quite apart from me. 

Mother: It shows that you are under the influence of some mischievous power—it is trying to use you for amusement. You must not lose consciousness and have control over yourself. 

24 December 1929 

Mother: What is purified life-energy? 

I: When it is free from obscurity and is not bound by habitual association, but is consciously consecrated to the Divine. 

When it is an upward movement and not downward. 

Mother: You should try to explain what you mean by these words. It is a want of such explanation which has led to much confusion. The divine is above, below, everywhere. The word “upward movement” is used by those who want to escape from the material world to some higher level. But the divine life is to be realized here. 

Sri Aurobindo once told me that originally there was truth in the teaching about Maya, though afterwards people lost the truth and misunderstood it. The world as we see it is an illusion from the point of view of the truth-consciousness. But that does not mean that the world is an illusion. A stick appears broken under water; the truth is that the stick is not broken and the brokenness is an illusion; that does not mean that the stick is an illusion. 

I know what you mean but you cannot express it correctly. You vaguely use words to which you are habituated. It is due to your habit of making speeches, writing newspaper articles. You must first clearly see the truth, the seer in you must see the light before it; then there must be an aspiration in the centre of expression for the true words; you must wait for them and not use anything that comes from habitual associations. 

* 

Today is “new birth” day. People are having new names. You have already a name, but it is difficult to carry. It is the name of a god and you cannot bear it until it is realized. 

* 

Be clear, lucid, conscious, wakeful. 

25 December 1929 

I offered “Detachment”.

Mother asked: From what?

I: From all lower movements, from all falsehood. Let my birth in the higher consciousness be established (confirmed).

Mother said: Begin with “Vital Harmony” and she blessed me with it. 

* 

Speaking of X Mother said his heart was closed. Such a person cannot carry on Yoga. 

30 December 1929 

Interpretation of flowers given by Mother for blessing: When “The physical centre is under the supramental influence” there will come “Mental victory” over “Gold”; mental victory is only the beginning. 

16 January 1930 

Mother found out a new flower today signifying, “The power to reject hostile suggestions”. 

I said: This is very useful. 

Mother: O yes, it is indispensable. 

I: Hostile suggestions have to be averted before they enter into us. 

Mother: Yes, from a distance. 

I: Otherwise once it is allowed to enter, the mischief is done. 

Mother: It will have to be worked out. 

20 January 1930 

Yesterday I wrote a poem on Navajanma, new birth. 

Mother said: About this poem Sri Aurobindo said that this was not good and asked me to tell you not to write until you get powerful inspirations. Your mind is becoming active. 

26 January 1930 

Tonight Mother concentrated on “Radha” flower and I came third. 

Mother said: You ought to have come first—it is rather awkward. Perhaps you will come first with some other flower. What is it? 

2 February 1930 

Mother: People want to go their own way and thus stumble on stones. They want to substitute their own will for the Divine’s Will. They think they can trick me, fools as they are. They put pressure upon me thinking that I shall yield to their will; if I yield—and sometimes I do—then they are lost for good. I must check the people. 

3 February 1930 

Mother gave “Conquest of sex” and then a bunch of “Faithfulness” remarking smilingly, “That is the condition”. 

21 February 1930 

Mother’s message: 

“Sincerity means to lift all the movements of the being to the level of the highest consciousness and realization already attained. 

“Sincerity exacts the unification and harmonization of the whole being in all its parts and movements around the central Divine Will.”