Part 1~Anilbaran Roy’s Diary Notes & Conversations with Mother

During his stay in Pondicherry, Anilbaran used to record his conversations with the Mother in his notebooks under the title, With the Mother. These notes began from 27 December 1929 and continued till 28 March 1938. 

Diary Notes of Anilbaran Roy 

10 December 1926 

Arriving from Bengal I find an all-round change at Pondicherry. Sri Aurobindo has retired and Mirra Devi has taken charge of creating a new world. The nucleus, the central cell (cubical form) will be formed here, of which the life will be the sadhaks present here. Every one of those sadhaks is manifesting a particular power of the universe. I was to be the vehicle of one of the chief powers. 

11 December 1926 

I took part in group meditation, by the left side of A at midday; and between B and C in the evening. During evening meditation D saw a vision of golden light by the side of A and I was in the centre of that column of light. 

After the afternoon meditation Sri Aurobindo saw me for a few minutes. A remarkable change has appeared in his personal appearance — to me he appeared thinner, taller and brighter. I expressed my regret that I was away from Pondicherry at this critical time. Sri Aurobindo said that the unpleasant experiences I had in Bengal were necessary for me and that my absence on the 24th November would not affect me. He gave me three instructions. 1. A new world is being created here into which I am entering and I must now make a definite choice to give up all old world relations and ideas. 2. I must now make a full surrender to Mirra Devi who has taken up the work of new creation. 3. Nothing of what is going on here should be given out to the outside world, as hostile forces, coming to know of these, may try to frustrate them. He explained to me the particular power that was to manifest in me. I have a particular work (which is God’s work) to do but not in the old way. Henceforth I must take all my instructions from Mirra Devi. 

12 December 1926 

During the morning interview Mother changed my place for the evening meditation to the side of A, with whom she said I had intimate relation in reference to the work and power that is to manifest in me. 

At night during sleep I had a forceful attack in the form of a nightmare just at midnight. E cleared it off. 

13 December 1926 

The attack after last night was explained to me as by the force which is antagonistic to my mission. It is the dark Shakti which is the central force supporting death, dissensions, falsehood… 

Today a programme of sadhana was suggested to me from within that I should take up Faith, Surrender, Peace, Aspiration etc. one by one and concentrate on them for some days. As the doubts of my physical mind were creating great obstacles to my sadhana, I took up Faith first and began today to place all the doubts in my physical mind before the Higher Shakti to be cleared by her. 

14 December 1926 

On the morning of the 14th when I was being roused from my sleep I saw an interesting dream (vision?). A tiger was eating something in a vessel; it ran away at the approach of a black wild elephant. I was pursued by the elephant and cowered; at the last moment a warrior came and pierced the elephant with a lance; the elephant disappeared. Then two men with drawn swords began a bloody fight with each other — the fight was ferocious, there was profuse bloodshed and I intervened to separate them and they were saved from sure death. 

* 

During the morning interview I explained to Mother my programme of sadhana and she readily agreed to it suggesting that I should take four days for every item. Thus Faith would be completed by the 16th. 

Mother informed me that this morning the dark Shakti referred to before had been imprisoned and placed under the sea for centuries. This Shakti was created with the creation of the world and she was responsible for all false movements. Of course there are numerous other forms and emanations of this Shakti still working in the world and we shall still have to fight with them; but their central support is gone and it will be now comparatively easier to bring out the true movements out of the false. 

A.B. [Anilbaran]: Then, this is a conquest for all humanity? 

Mother: It is first a conquest for us, then for India, then for all humanity; after that it will be a conquest for the whole universe. 

15 December 1926 

During afternoon meditation, I saw a ball of golden light seated on a semicircular base of blue above another semicircle of red light. This ball of light descended down to my heart. I felt that now I had got faith established in me and my doubts had been killed fundamentally. 

16 December 1926 

In the morning I described this descent of light to Mother and said that I took it as a symbol of faith established in me. Mother explained that it was not merely a symbol, but a reality. That day a being had incarnated in me and he was represented by the ball of light and the blue base represented faith. Mother told me how during the afternoon meditation yesterday D saw a new being entering into me. D described his experience to me thus: “A question arose in my mind as to who you were? A sudden flash of light came to me and by an intuition I at once saw that you were V. After that whenever I look at you I find your face resembling that of V. Mother told me that in the evening yesterday F also got a similar intuition.” 

V was created at the beginning of the world and he was reincarnating again and again. But this is his last incarnation. All the hopes and aspiration of V will be fulfilled through me. 

During afternoon meditation I found that my faith was firmly established and the next item of sadhana I should take up was “Surrender”. After meditation Mother blessed me with a beautiful rose — the symbol of surrender. 

17 December 1926 

When in the morning I said to Mother that from today I have taken up “surrender,” she was very pleased. She said how during meditation yesterday afternoon the rose came to her hands when she was selecting flowers for blessing me. She said, “A new process of sadhana, a practical process is taking form in you and you should keep short notes of your progress as they will be of great help to other sadhaks.” 

* 

Towards the afternoon of the 17th I felt that out of the four days of my surrender this first day should be devoted to the surrender of the mental being in me. I practised the surrender of Buddhi, of intelligence and will, to the Divine Consciousness — my will to be the channel of the Divine Will, my intelligence to be lighted by the Divine Light. 

18 December 1926 

From the morning and even from the close of yesterday I have been practising the surrender of my vital being — specially my attachment and ties to my former family relations. This morning there was no talk with Mother — I simply bowed to her feet, got the touch on the head and came away. I am preparing to give up my family relations to her — henceforth to be determined by her in the divine way, and not by me in the crude worldly way. 

Gradually I realised that it was my egoism that was the knot of my bondage to the old world. If I could dissociate myself from the false self — this ego — I would be free. During afternoon meditation light and power descended from above and cut ties of my ego which felt mortally wounded. After meditation I felt that the ego was to die so that I might be born in the higher Prakriti — in the Divine Consciousness. When blessing me after the meditation, Mother gave me, with other flowers, a red jabā [hibiscus]. When meditating in my room this blood-red flower appeared to be like the blood-stained face of Mother Kali with her bloody tongue lolling out. This figure seemed to demand sacrifice from me and I offered my false ego to be sacrificed. As a symbol of this sacrifice I burnt a black incense stick before the flower. As long as the stick burnt I felt that my ego — my former self — was being burnt. The flower remained fresh and erect as long as the incense burnt and then it dropped down and faded. 

19 December 1926 

This morning I described to Mother the above experiences and told her that my former self was dead, and that she had given birth to a new self in me, my higher self; henceforth all my old relations were gone and all new relations would be determined only through her, as she was now my real mother and I had now really entered into her family as a new-born babe to be nourished and grown by her. Mother, after hearing all this, smilingly remarked: “You have done this gloriously.” 

Then I explained to her the present programme of sadhana that had been suggested to me as follows: This day would be devoted to the surrender of the physical, as the two previous days were devoted to the surrender of the mental and the vital. After this I should take up Peace for four days, after that Aspiration for four days. Then this stage would be completed. I should firmly hold to Faith, Surrender, Peace and Aspiration and leave myself to be worked upon by her in two ways — first, she should carry on the transformation of my being; secondly, she should make me an instrument of her will in any work for which I might be found a suitable vehicle. 

I had surrendered my will on the 17th and it is interesting to note that on the 18th for the first time, Mother made me an instrument of her will in a particular spiritual work that she was doing. I had to guard a window against the approach of hostile forces and when I sat for it I found a force coming from her, working through my will, which then guarded the door. 

As regards the surrender of the physical, I am feeling that all ideas… about health etc. are to be given up; a new body is going to be created out of the old and for this I have to place my physical being completely at her disposal. During meditation yesterday as well as today I found light descending from the Supramental sun down the spinal column to the very bottom of it. Two lotuses seemed to open under the light, one in the heart and the other in the Muladhar. Thus light has begun to descend down to the physical in me. 

20 December 1926 

This was the day of complete surrender. From this morning I began to take my meals from Mother and gave up to her all the money I possessed. Mother remarked: “Giving up all your money to me implies that you will get all your needs from me.” 

Then Mother explained how already difficulty had arisen in reconciling so many strong personalities to dining together; some arrangement must be done, so that the true significance of the symbol of taking food from the Mother may be brought out. She called me to organize this and remarked that since I came here, she was getting clear visions of organization. 

To G she had remarked: “This V has wonderful organizing capacity.” I began by making a list of all the sadhaks for the purpose of grouping. 

In the evening at the time of meditation we had wonderful experience, the like of which I had never seen before. H, when bowing to Mother, became evidently possessed by a great force and consciousness, began to move his hands and fingers in a trance-like hypnotic way and spoke sometimes loudly, sometimes almost inaudibly, but always with great force and effectiveness. He spoke such beautiful English that it is a pity that I cannot reproduce the whole. The purport of what he said is this: “Everyone should throw away all doubts of the mind. The time of Krishna has come. Last time He had to retire as the world-conditions, the physical material world, were not ready. He died wounded in his left leg. This time mortality will be overcome, light will descend down to the physical material, every atom of the body will be transformed. Every sadhak will be transformed and get immortality. Do not cover, do not covet — surrender everything to the Mother and wait with calm aspiration. Mother will do everything for you — have faith in her, she is … in you. The Purusha is born in her womb. I am not H, I am of this earth. There is the heaven above, there is the heaven below. I am the heaven below. I shall sweep away all impurities and swallow all dross. Throw away your dross at me, I shall swallow it. By mere touch you will now be transformed.” 

Then, one after another, he touched and swept the body of I, J, D, K, L, myself and A. 

When I was bowing before Mother, he remarked — “I see the swan — the white swan rising before me — who are you? Who are you?” 

I said: “A.B.” He said: “Yes, I see you are the white swan — you will be speedily transformed.” He passed his hand and fingers over my head and face and remarked: “Your eyes will be opened.” Coming down to the moustache he said: “Here are the coils of Rudra — coils of bondage — this bondage will go.” He swept my moustache. “Take a touch from Mother and go.” I again bowed to Mother and her touch this time was thrilling. 

When at night I went to her to take my cup of soup, she remarked: “You had an interesting experience this evening. The performances of H are really wonderful. He has brought out the ancient Vedic Truth and expressed it. It is the spirit of the earth incarnated in him. And what he said about your being the swan (V) was really remarkable; I had said to him nothing about this before.” 

21 December 1926 

Today is to begin my realisation of Peace. For the first time, Mother got a flower today which she found to signify, “Power of Calm” — the flower gives an impression of movement, yet the whole basis was calm. Mother remarked: “This flower has come for you.” and gave it to me… 

When at night I went for soup I asked Mother about the special significance of taking the soup. Mother said: “Have you not heard of Divine Communion in this manner? My flesh and blood are to go to you and form your flesh and blood, but instead of actually giving my flesh and blood to you, I sip this soup, put my force into it and give it to be drunk by you.” N expressed the significance beautifully — he said, “By this process we get her even in our physical cells.” 

22 December 1926 

This was my second day for Peace. Mother said that when I came to see her last morning, she saw an atmosphere of settled peace around me. 

After midday meditation she blessed me with Kamini flower, which is the emblem of solid, established Peace. 

23 December 1926 

This morning I proposed to Mother that I should give up spectacles. Mother enquired about the condition of my eyesight. When I said that medical opinion was that I should always wear spectacles, otherwise it would hurt me, Mother said: “Doctors speak like that. If one has sufficient faith he can get over these troubles.” Mother approved of my giving up spectacles as she found that spectacles were an obstacle to a direct communion with her. She however suggested two methods: one is to give up the spectacles wholly and go with faith through all the troubles that may arise; the other is gradually giving up its use. Both the methods are approved. Mother advised that at present I should use spectacles only when reading and writing. I said: “Without spectacles I could not see things at a distance.” Mother replied: “Why do you like to see things at a distance? That is significant.” 

After midday meditation Mother blessed me with Kamini flower and also with a bunch of tall, thin, white flowers with four petals which, she explained, represented calm settled in the body in every cell. 

24 December 1926 

This was the fourth day of my Peace. I felt that it was fundamentally established in me. 

From next day I was to take up Aspiration. Mother explained to me the untold powers of Aspiration. She cited her own case as an example. She was not being able to conquer the subconscious region of the earth — this was not in her nature and she did not know how to do it. She got a hint from H who said: “Aspire, Mother, aspire.” Then she sent up the fire of aspiration. She depended solely on it, did not take to the process of purification or using the light of destruction, but simply aspired continually for about two hours — the fire became stronger and stronger and at last she got what she wanted. 

25 December 1926 

I begin Aspiration from today. At night Mother told me that in my past life thousands of years ago I had established such an economic organization as had lasted up to this day. 

26 December 1926 

Just before midday meditation I was attacked with fever. During meditation I had great pain and struggle, but this gradually subsided as I deeply drew the breath of Mother. After meditation, Mother gave me the breath and touch. She had blessed me with a white lotus which represented her own self. 

27 & 28 December 1926 

The fever regularly came first before noon and subsided towards the evening. Mother explained how the heat of fever is a process of purification in my case and that there were two causes for it. One was that by my aspiration I had brought down great power, but my physical was not yet ready for that and hence the fever broke out as a process of purification. This was the important cause. The other cause possibly was an attack from the hostile forces which found only my physical part weak. The atmosphere of our guest house was congenial for such attacks and must be improved. If I could throw away this attack I would be purer and stronger. 

29 December 1926 

Last day my period of aspiration ended. Mother explained that now my purification was over, there was no necessity of fever and that now I was out of it. She said how yesterday, when I was intensely suffering from fever, she also felt heat in her body though she did not know that I had fever. Today the fever did not come at the usual time, but late in the afternoon there was a very slight attack which left very soon. 

30 December 1926 

I explained to Mother how it seemed to me that the four days’ course my fever took came in the course of my system of sadhana for four days for every realization. Thus the four days’ fever was a four days’ course of purification, though in a way it intermingled with my course of aspiration (by which, in fact, it was brought down), beginning a day late and enduring a day late. 

Today I had no fever. 

31 December 1926 

Mother gave instructions about the purification of the atmosphere at the Guest House. She told me that I represented Righteousness and had an influence on O which I should use silently. With the advent of O the spiritual disobedience had come amongst us. 

1 January 1927 

Early in the morning I went to see Mother. When waiting downstairs with some fresh Sephali flowers in my palm, I, in a sort of vision, saw the bright sun above my head, illumining a vast blue sky. When bowing to Mother I said that my aspiration was to get Truth within this year, Mother said: “Yes, you would get Truth and Transformation, too.” 

7 January 1927 

Last night when I went for soup, Mother saw a vision regarding me. There are houses of ill fame in France where the women are numbered and are not allowed to go out on grounds of public health. They are made free only if someone comes forward with a promise of marriage. Mother saw India as a woman weeping in one of these houses and I came forward to rescue her with a promise of marriage. 

This morning I had a dream that I was carrying Mother on my head and shoulders and that she was doing something in my head. For some days back I was feeling that the Supramental was being established in my mind. Mother explained that this was indicated by the dream. The Supramental is working in my mind and I shall soon see its effect. 

The yellow flower with which she blessed me last afternoon represents wealth and health generally but specially it represents true sight. (Here Mother touches the central point of forehead with her finger.) 

* 

For some days I had a boil on my right knee-joint and could not go for group meditation. One day L gave flowers to Mother in my name. Mother sent some flowers to me — one “jabā” with four “souls of India”. When meditating before these flowers in my room I saw a beautiful vision of Mother India. She was seated on a lion — as we see in Jagaddhatri figure. She had a crown on her head, a sceptre in her right hand and a book in her left hand, which seemed to me to be the Vedas. 

16 January 1927 

When meditating before Mother in the morning, I heard the following words from above: “Do not be inert or tamasic — be always alert and keep the right attitude — either the attitude of the Sakshi Purusha or the attitude of Prakriti opening yourself to the Higher Prakriti and allowing the Light to descend on you and work in and through you.” 

19 December 1927 

This morning I had special interview with Mother. Mother explained how she felt physical relation with certain sadhaks. Of course there is the inner relation with all, but with some the relation is even physical — we have been friends and co-workers in many past lives. These she did recognize as soon as she saw them. 

She spoke of my first coming. Sri Aurobindo, saw a bright light on my head but the external mind was shadowing everything, so Mother was asked to see me — (in such cases Mother is generally asked for her inner sight.) When she saw me, she knew at once with a shock that I was one of the first created. 

Mother spoke of four creations. First, there was the creation of free beings, but they met with certain oppositions and obstacles which could not be overcome. Then there was the second creation, the creation of the Gods — even in this creation all the obstacles could not be overcome. Then there was the third creation — the creation of the earth, so that the attempt at conquest may be made in a limited sphere and then extended to the whole universe. V belonged to this third creation and was created along with the creation of the earth. The fourth creation is now going to happen. It will begin with the creation of a new cell consisting of 44, forty-four beings; the Supramental will come down and create this cell. 

* 

Mother stated how I represented the “Fearless” — one of the very first creations. 

2 February 1927 

I sang a few songs before Mother on Monday last. Mother was very pleased — there were psychic vibrations in my songs, which were even physical. 

Mother explained how things should come naturally and not by force. Thus, if she had tried to give up sleep she would not have succeeded. But one day she found no time to sleep, and then it struck her that she could go without sleep. 

The best way to conquer desires is the indirect way. It is no use carrying on an open fight against them; it is better to concentrate on constructive work, building up the inner life. 

Referring to the confusion downstairs Mother said that these confusions should be taken as a test. Referring to her own relation with others, Mother said that with some the relation is very smooth but with others there have arisen difficulties which have created mountains of obstacles. 

Nothing happens here without a reason, there is reason behind everything, though it is not mental or apparent — the reason is deep and spiritual. 

12 February 1927 

Today is Mother’s birthday (esoteric). From the morning I am experiencing something of divine love and what it means. It is the human love transformed and divinized, devoid of all impurity, all desire. It is pure self-surrender and bliss and devotion. 

Mother came to my room after meal time and in connection with some of her recorded experiences, read last two nights before evening meditation, she gave a short history of her life to me. 

From her very childhood, since she attained some consciousness, she was conscious of the spiritual mission that she was destined to bring a new light, make a new creation on the earth. She was conscious of a being within her, — that being was afterwards known to be Krishna, — who said that they both would work together in India for the uplift of the earth. 

But in the varied experiences she found the conditions very unfavourable and disappointing, but she never lost hope and always had aspiration. The power of aspiration was wonderful. Her life was full of varied experiences — it is remarkable that all the movements of the universe were exemplified in her life. 

She met Sri Aurobindo in 1914. When in the Guest House she saw the head of Sri Aurobindo above the staircase, she at once realized that she had found out her lord. Before coming to India she was following some sort of Yoga in the individual way according to the Raja Yoga expounded by Vivekananda and the Gita and the Dhammapda of the Buddhists. She did not take the philosophy, but the practical parts of these books and practised them in her life in her own way. 

… At the first time she lived here for one year. Then the British, not liking that she should live in such politically dangerous association, somehow compelled them [the Mother and her husband Paul Richard] to leave India. Then they went back to France, but she left her psychic being at Pondicherry. The life she had then to live was of terrible experiences which could be told only to those who were very intimate and not to others. At one time she became very ill and was given up by the doctor. On the supposed death-bed she wrote a letter for Sri Aurobindo describing that she was dying. She knew that her work was in India and she also wrote some thoughts that came to her mind. Eventually that letter was never posted. But she recovered. Then she waited for long years to find an opportunity for coming back to India. All the hostile forces of the world seemed to conspire in preventing their coming together. She passed many years in Japan and then after the end of the war and conclusion of peace she returned to India, to Sri Aurobindo. That was a great conquest over the hostile forces — their being joined together. When that conquest has been made, ultimate victory is assured. 

* 

Records of Mother’s past experiences read daily before evening meditation.